Six Months Post Op

I tried writing this blog after my five months passed but I never finished because I meant to finish over Thanksgiving break but if you know anything about me, I was obviously too busy stuffing my face to finish it so here’s my six months post-op entry. I had also put off writing my five months blog because I was in the middle of writing an eight-page research paper the week before so every time I opened Word I flinched. In other words, procrastination got the better of me and this semester kicked my ass.

I remember when I went to my second opinion pre-op appointment the doctor showed me and my parents a video of one of his patients with a hamstring graft doing a standing back flip at five months thinking it would provide me some inspiration. Clearly, I went with the other surgeon (because I was NOT inspired) and I do not think I could do a back flip to save my fucking life but I can jump over a hurdle and back with one foot. So he can suck it.

In the first three-ish months post-op when I couldn’t really do much, I told myself that when I was allowed to sprint, lift heavy, and do actual goalkeeping, I wouldn’t complain about any of the soreness, the burning sensation of the turf sliding across my skin, or the cramps. I didn’t know what I expected of myself (like keeping up with these posts) but of course I would complain. Do you know how hard it is to run in cold weather when 1) you’re not used to it to begin with and when 2) snot is dripping down your nose and you can’t fucking breathe? Also the first time you actually throw your body on the floor after months is AWFUL. I remember questioning myself why I ever did this and then I was like, “Oh right, this is fun lol.” That was my literal thought process as I was falling (flopping) to the ground.

As this semester and this year come to an end, I cannot help but think what a roller coaster the past 6+ months have been. As devastating and heart wrenching the past few months have been, this might have been the most memorable experience of my life. I’ve never felt more supported, loved, or emotional in my life. Before I was actually cleared to run by my PT and AT, one of my teammates got a couple tickets for us to go to a Tyler the Creator concert, which was opened by Jaden Smith, and we were late because the rest of them were coming back from an away game. Once we finally got there, we ran to the stage (where we found out we were in the mosh pit) and that was actually my first time running which was just after three months. I remember feeling like nothing could ruin this moment, and then my knee was sore as shit that night because I was standing for like 3 hours straight. I didn’t write this in my last post because 1) I’m an idiot and 2) I think I was so caught up in my own personal bull shit to realize the amazing things that I am blessed with in this lifetime.

I wish I constantly had the mentality of being grateful for what I have, but I am my father’s daughter so that is not always the case. And I don’t necessarily get mad about what I don’t have, but I do get scared. I fear sometimes that I’ll never make it back because there are days when my confidence plummets. I think fear and frustration are the most uncontrollable and dangerous emotions. They can break the most solid of foundations. I’ve felt a lot of it in the past couple months, but they can also serve as the most powerful emotions because the feeling of overcoming them is greater than the actual fears and frustrations themselves. It seems as though finding the courage is the hardest part in all of this.

It’s crazy to me how this semester might have been the best 5 months I’ve ever had at school. I truly meant it when I said I’ve never felt more loved before. I feel like whenever I write for these things, I usually have more to complain about, but maybe it’s the fact I’m home and the warm weather has raised my serotonin levels. If there’s anything I’ve learned in the past few months, it’s that humility is the greatest virtue and the best things happen when you least expect it. Also vulnerability is good, thank you Paige.

“For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” –Matthew 23:12