Once an Athlete...

In about 2 days, I will be graduating from college, which I know is a fact, I just need to keep saying it out loud to truly process that statement. As I reflect on my last 4 years at Loyola, boy, was I one bitter bitch towards the end. Let me elaborate:

About ¾ of my college career was rehabbing my knee, and last semester I was sick of it. After deciding to end my playing career, every organized training, meeting, and game felt like a chore. I despised anything that had to do with the sport, since I thought it was no longer serving me any purpose. But to perceive the sport that once brought me such joy and opportunity with disdain put me in a compromising situation in which I associated everything that had to do with soccer as the enemy, including the people. For the latter portion of the season, I felt as though I could not look some of my teammates in their eyes because I was not truly happy for their success; that is how hurt and alone I felt the sport left me. Some of those teammates are my close friends, but I guess envy really is a green monster.

I have not been able to clearly articulate those feelings until now, almost 6 months removed from the end of the season, and I’m sure there’s much more soul searching to be done. Nonetheless, I came to recognize and appreciate my fortune in finding Loyola. My family and I can talk all this talk, but this sentence gives you permission to call us out on our bullshit – all those years ago, we declared that I needed to choose a college for academics, which I did, but make no mistake, I came to Loyola to play soccer. Clearly, as we all know how the story plays out, that didn’t work. Instead, I met great people in Loyola’s athletic community, and I learned that an athlete is a person above all else, something that I don’t think I regarded before. I learned how to be a good teammate and the important role you can play while not being at center-stage.

When I was a freshman, I dreamed of walking away from this school with my name on records contributing to team titles and championships, the whole nine yards… didn’t even get an inch. To say the very least, I was disappointed with how my career played out. I felt severe imposter syndrome sometimes when other athletes and even my own teammates have told me how brave they think I am for enduring what I have. I didn’t think I was deserving of the student-athlete stole I’ll be wearing for commencement. I think that’s why I went into flight mode last semester, wanting to dissociate myself with anything that had to do with athletics and embrace my full leap into NARPhood. But to do that would be disregarding practically everything Loyola taught me. Just because I can’t play soccer anymore doesn’t make me any less of an athlete (at heart, that is).

I’m Chinese, what can I say? Numbers and awards matter to me. They don’t drive me to do what I do, but I believe in having goals to accomplish such metrics. When the opportunity to even try to reach that point was taken away, I felt as though my time at Loyola would be for nothing. I could not have been more wrong. I cringe at the fact that I could have been the same person coming into college if I kept playing soccer, with a one-track-mind and a stick up my ass (although I still kinda have one), desiring only an experience that was worthy of notable numbers and awards. I truly attribute my injuries to my growth as a person, and I’m scared to know the kind of person I would be had I not experienced that hardship.

My only regret is that I did not think I was deserving enough to be on the soccer team at school because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. I did not realize until much later after my coach who recruited me explicitly told me that although this is not what either of us had envisioned for my four years, I was brought to this team and community and for a reason. There are so many ways one can contribute to a sports team without actually playing the sport, something that I didn’t believe until my time with the team was done. What I am most proud of myself for is making friends with new people, however trivial and silly that may seem, because if you knew me prior to college, I did not know how to interact with others (I still may not, I tend to be very straightforward which is sometimes considered socially unacceptable). Above all else, I am most grateful for the group(s) of girls I’ve encountered in my 4 years here. I truly would not have graduated from Loyola if it weren’t for them because I would have transferred two ACLs ago.

To those also graduating, signifying an end to their athletic careers, I'll tell you now that you'll never be a true NARP no matter how hard you try. To those who have a few years left, I hope you cherish every moment of it, no matter how difficult or tedious it is. To Loyola, thank you for bringing out the best athlete in me, one who empowers, empathizes with, and looks out for others. Thank you for offering me a space to grow into my true self. Thank you for providing me with the people and experience I didn’t know I needed. And to my girls, you know who you are, I simply could not have done this without you. Hounds forever <3