A Fake Post-Op Update

As you all know, I love my surgery updates. I love divulging my experiences of single leg squatting on to the toilet, my inevitable existential crisis or life questioning, and having the WORST SHITS of my life. However, I have been such a drag this last week and am unable to formulate an entire blog worthy of your attention that gets into the nitty gritty details of everything I just mentioned… for a good reason! I have been busy working on my grad school applications due this week (that I have obviously left for last minute) because you know your girl needs to start thinking about the future without soccer in it, okay?! (sorry, it’s the crisis talking). Anyway, I have been writing an ungodly number of statements the last few days and it is difficult to not bullshit in some of them… most of them (you gotta write what the white man wants sometimes). BUT I did write a personal statement (it’s short, promise) that I am kinda proud of, and it’s relevant to all this caca I’m going through right now, so I figured I share. The writing is a little different, as in it’s professional, no curse words, but my words, nonetheless. A real post-op update to come soon. – GKL

“And in goal for the Greyhounds, #00 Grace Li!” For years, I dreamed of this nine-word sentence being announced at Ridley Athletic Complex on gameday. I vividly envisioned the stadium lights shining on the pitch during a crisp, fall Saturday evening in Baltimore, a packed crowd in the bleachers cheering for the start of the game, and my teammates waiting to high-five me, as I ran out to join the rest of the starting lineup in the middle of the field. I worked hard for this moment.

I pride myself in finding a way to make things happen, but I could never make this moment happen. It started with my first anterior cruciate ligament (ACL) tear in my left knee on June 3, 2019. After undergoing ACL reconstruction (ACLR) surgery and an excruciating 9 months of rehab, that dream was on the horizon yet again, until I tore it again on March 25, 2020. However, I was still told there was a chance I could keep playing soccer, and I held on to that chance until I tore it a third time, on August 18, 2021, and was forced to end my soccer career prematurely. Perhaps, I was never meant to find a way back on to the field, but a way for others to not suffer as I have.

As a young girl of Chinese and Cuban descent growing up in South Florida where discrimination, racism, and bullying were very real to me at an early age, I found solace in soccer. It was my passion, for what a 9-year-old could perceive as passion. It became intertwined with my character and priorities because it gave me so much joy. It was only recently after I stopped playing when I realized why it made me so happy; it was one of the few places in this world where I could be myself and I would not be judged. Throughout my youth, I was often perceived as, “the Asian girl,” before anything else, and as proud as I am of my heritage, I wanted to be seen for more than just my race. I was able to do this through soccer; I was seen for my abilities and work ethic rather than my facial features. It was relieving to me that sports could care less about where I am “really from”. As a bonus, soccer afforded me amazing opportunities, like a college athletic scholarship, lifetime friendships, and invaluable mentorship.

Because of the timing of my injuries, by time I ended my career, I had not played a real soccer game in almost two and a half years. For the first two years, I refused to let go of the chance of me playing again. But as reality set in, holding on to that chance so tightly became exhausting, and I grew bitter of the sport that had given me a life. As much as I physically suffered from my ACL injuries, this experience was heartbreaking because I fought so hard for what I loved, but in the end, the game was not as loving to me. Maybe this experience is inevitable for athletes who get seriously injured, but I have such a difficult time believing that. If I have the opportunity to prevent other athletes from experiencing this, then I will do everything I can to pursue it.

Soccer clearly played a crucial role in my upbringing. It offered me a community where social injustice does not exist, taught me invaluable life lessons about communication, collaboration, and respect, and offered me financial opportunities that would not have been available otherwise. Inside the white lines of the pitch, it truly is a perfect world. Since the start of my career, I vowed to give back to the game, in return for all that it has blessed me with. I believe that my future graduate work in researching human kinematics and sports performance with an engineering perspective will help me contribute to the world of sports science and achieve my goal of paying it forward to this sport. For me, the purpose of ACL injury prevention and ACLR rehabilitation research goes beyond the return of normal athletic function back into the knee. Giving those who injure their ACLs a better chance to return to their sport is not simply prolonging their athletic careers, it is offering them the opportunity to continue to experience all that sports have to offer.